


Never Ever

by thegraceinyoureyes



Series: Like Ice [2]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: F/M, M/M, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-04-15
Updated: 2013-04-15
Packaged: 2017-12-08 14:55:44
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,844
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/762665
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thegraceinyoureyes/pseuds/thegraceinyoureyes
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Never again, he said. And we didn't fight again. Ever.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Never Ever

Selflessness

I sit perched like a tiny bird – so easy to crush, though not like me, not really – on the fourth step up. I can’t quite hear Scorpius and Albus on my sofa, just murmurs. But they’re happy murmurs and that’s all that matters, really. Happy murmurs. About each other, and their love for each other, and their love for each other that will give them so, so much strength. Infallible. Impermeable. Impenetrable.  _Indestructible_.

Not that I’d know anything about that sort of infallible, impermeable, impenetrable, indestructible love, of course. Not me. Only by watching them. I knew even at Hogwarts, you see. I knew probably before they did. I should have been in Ravenclaw with my brain power. I suppose it’s my cruel streak that secured my place in Slytherin. My cruel, cruel streak.

It surfaces everywhere. To my friends, my enemies, my family. Not that I have much of any of them left. No one to love, and no one who loves me, not anymore. Why would they?

Love.

What an odd concept. It makes you think. Nature is all about preservation of the species, right? So why create an emotion that not only ties a man to one single woman, preventing him from impregnating other women, but that also creates such strong feelings of _selflessness_. Selflessness is not a healthy emotion. Being selfish, and ruthless, and manipulative will get you what you want in life.

Then love sneaks up on you. Like a sniper. From the top of a multi-story car park, one finger barely ghosting over the trigger. The slow release of breath, then a bullet cutting into your flesh.

Love is twice as deadly.

Oh, god.

I can’t take it all of a sudden. Their pure, selfless love blazing furiously on my sofa. I run upstairs, fly into my room, rip open the windows and half-hurl myself out. Nearly all of myself, then I think better of it.

It’s raining.

On the street below I think- just for a second, was it? No- can’t be- can it? No. God.

My own mind turned against me, now. Playing tricks. Heavy droplets splash on my cheeks, ruining this morning’s carefully applied makeup. What am I now? The once mighty and cruel and vicious and utterly-in-control Slytherin  _queen_. What am I now? Jumping at shadows. When I opened the door, and saw Albus’ tall, slender frame, messy dark hair, my heart had leapt. Why? I don’t understand  _why_.

Besides, he’s gone, now. Maybe something happened at Hogwarts, but no more. Never again, he’d said. Never again. Ever. Ever. Ever.

Love can be beautiful for those who have the luck of the Devil. Or of God. Or Merlin. Those rare people who love with all their fragile hearts and are loved in return. Like Albus and Scorpius. I know of no one else. Oh wait, I do. Teddy, who was mine, and Victorie, who wasn’t.

I once asked Scorpius what being in love felt like. He had stared at me, asked why  _I_  of all people had never been in love. I didn’t understand what he meant by that, but I had shrugged. He had said that he found it unpredictable, wonderful, and addictive. I had experienced those feelings. When fighting with him, the one who’s always in the shadows, always at the corner of my eye, always outside my house, then gone when I blink.

Never again. Those words, he had said. Spoken clearly and with perfect execution. Perfect.

I’m further out of the window without realising it. My hand, stretches out. The raindrops falling over the white skin. Doesn’t look like mine. Too pale. More like Scorpius’, or Andrea’s, or any of my pureblood school friends’. Not mine. Never mine.

One more look at the pavement. No shadows. No mind tricks. Nothing. Umbrellas and rain and trees. A branch stretches across the road towards me, leaves reaching, reaching, reaching and then-  
  


Our Addiction

“-just get away from him! Al, can’t you see he’s _using_  you!” James Potter was shouting, his cheekbones spotted with angry red patches, eyes flashing furiously.

Albus and Scorpius were backed into a corner. Albus looked defiant and scared, while Scorpius’ face was completely blank, as usual. I utterly loathed Albus’ brother on a good day, but my temper really flared when he persecuted Scorpius and his close friendship with Albus. Like now.

“James Potter, get the hell away from them.” I spat, marching up the corridor. People backed away, looking between me and James nervously, well aware of what we got like when we fought. It was the age-old argument; Gryffindor against Slytherin. How ironic that he was the one with very nearly pure wizarding blood in his veins, whereas I, the Slytherin, had none.

“Oh look, boys, your knight in shining armour’s here to save you!” Scorpius glared at me for interfering, like he always did. “So what will it be today, Ailene, darling? A simple war of words, or a brief fight and the promise of a proper duel tonight?”

“Entirely up to you, James, love.” I smiled, tapping my wand against the palm of my hand.

He bowed mockingly, “Well then, dearest, let us begin.”

I curtseyed, deep and low, “Yes, let’s, sweetheart.”

Professor Longbottom separated us five minutes later. I had a long gash running across my waist, blood seeping through my uniform, his face was blue and warty, and his arm was hanging at an odd angle. Fifty points were taken from both houses, and we were sent to the hospital wing. Neither of us went; we had too much pride for that.

I snuck out of the castle that night and out into the Forbidden Forest. James was there, waiting. He’d managed to fix his arm and removed the warts, most likely thanks to the expertise of his cousin, Rose. My side still ached, but it was healed.

We always fought. It was like a drug to us, in a way; it made the adrenalin pump through our veins. We’d do anything to get it going, small, snide comments was all it took. Doing anything to make our pulses race with excitement, to make our breathing come in ragged gasps, to make our minds cloud, until all we saw, smelt, heard, thought,  _breathed_ , was each other. Our addiction, all right.

But that time was different. That night I kissed him. Full on the mouth, fingers on hips and cheekbones, electric heat charging what air managed to get between us. That night, and the next, and the next, and the next for three whole months and two more nights. Then the words had come.

“Never again.” Not a sorry, or an explanation or even a glance. He turned on his heel and left. We didn’t fight again.

  
Tumbling After

I could lean and fall and tumble and crack. Blood staining the grey day crimson. Spilling over the pavement and down the drains. Rats will feast in the sewers. Would there be a lot of blood, I wonder? Maybe if I landed on my head. Right on the top. Like the nursery rhyme.

“Jack and Jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water, Jack fell down and broke his crown and Jill came tumbling after.”

I wonder why Jill did that. Fell after him. Decided life wasn’t worth living without Jack? Another flaw in the ‘love’ scheme.

“Jack fell down and broke his crown and Jill came tumbling after.”

Would anyone come after me? Would anyone  _care_  enough to tumble? Scorpius is my friend. My closest friend, which isn’t saying much. But he has  _his_  Jack. Or Jill. They have each other at any rate. Like Teddy and Victorie. There was a time when Teddy would have tumbled, for me. But my  _cruel streak_  drove him away.

“And Jill came tumbling after.”

Or am I Jill? Tumbling after the want of a flawed emotion that I can never have. Maybe I am.

“Broke his crown. Tumbling after.”

Selfish. Selfless.

Me. Him.

Never again, Ailene, this will never happen again. Ever.

No, it won’t. Not anymore. You won’t be there to catch me. Not now. Not then. Not  _ever_. See? I can play word games too. But I can’t play with people’s hearts as well as you can. Not quite. Though I did a good job on Teddy, didn’t I? Your best friend.

But no matter, right? You’re with your redheaded girlfriend having dinner with your family. Laughing, smiling. Being happy. I want to wish you happiness, but you’d know I don’t mean it.

Why would I? I’m selfish.


	2. At the Thought

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Oh, but she was perfect, as she should be. Although, now that he thought about it, Ailene had been perfect too, just not for him.

**1a)**

Sometimes I hate my brother, really I do. Like right now I want nothing more than to wipe that smug little smirk of his off his face. But then the smirk falls and deepest worry replaces it and terror's icy veins web across my heart. He blames me, I know.  _I_  blame me. Why shouldn't I? It's  _my_  fault.

She fell (jumped?), bled (too much?), and didn't cry out. A passerby had found her. Not them. Not them, so fucking close and they could have stopped her, could have saved her, but they did  _nothing_. So maybe I blame them too. Just a little.

Malfoy has my brother's hand in a death grip – white knuckled – and his pointy face is paler than usual. My brother is squeezing Malfoy's fingers just as tightly, though. My parents are here, even though they never knew her, and if they did, they wouldn't have liked her. The girl's here too. Clinging onto my arm, rubbing my back, murmuring into my ear about how kind of me to be here for my brother, how caring and how sweet and how much that turns her on, and do I want to go find the nearest bathroom with her? Then more; dirty, filthy things. I can feel her hot breath on my ear, picture her pink, bow-shaped lips forming the words.

I'd always liked brunettes, petite, leggy and slim with red mouths and curling hair. But I knew that I'd marry a redhead; it was inevitable. I didn't look for an auburn girlfriend, knowing she'd find me, and she did, and she was petite and leggy and slim, but her mouth was pink, and her hair straight.

A mediwitch comes out, stutters at my dad, smiles shyly at me before flinching as I look at her blankly. She says that my enemy is sleeping, and there's no way of knowing when she'll wake up. My fists clench, ignoring the small cry of pain from the redheaded girl as I crush her fingers that I'd forgotten about, laced through mine. I let go.

I tell her to go home. Now. That I'd owl her later. She pouts with pink plump lips and kisses me wetly.

With her still watching I wipe my mouth roughly.

She leaves.  
  


**1b)**

_She_  was tall, nearly my height. I was used to girls much shorter than me, though maybe I just picked them that way. I didn't pick her. I like to think we picked each other, but, knowing her, I find it most likely she picked me, whether she was aware she did or not.

"I don't think I've ever met someone I utterly  _loath_  quite as much as  _you_!"

She wasn't ugly, just not my type. She was Teddy's though, most definitely. He'd always had a thing for blondes, and she wasn't just blonde, she was  _golden_. With huge cerulean eyes and thick curled lashes and white-and-pink skin. She wasn't skinny either. She didn't fold into boys the way my girlfriends did, bending at the knees and elbows, sharp bones folding to fit. Boys moulded to accommodate  _her_ , and why wouldn't they? Her mouth was red.

"If it was possible to use the  _cruciatus_  on you without being sent to prison, I would. In a heartbeart."

She most definitely wasn't my type. She was the one who kissed  _me_. The one who closed the small small distance between us, pressing her red mouth to mine, deigning to twist my hair between her fingers, then letting me bend myself around her. It wasn't gentle, or sweet, or caring, or (heaven-forbid!) loving. We didn't even like each other. I couldn't stand her and she couldn't stand me. She was a prejudice Slytherin bitch and I was an arrogant Gryffindor prick. We fought harder and more fiercely then – there, in the forest between a tree and a rock – than we ever had before.

"If you so much as  _touch_  Scorpius again, I'll  _kill_  you!"

We kept up the public arguments, for routine's sake, if nothing else. I never knew why she liked Malfoy. I just wanted his slimy hands away from my brother, couldn't she understand that? She was their friend, both of them. There was point where I thought she was in love with Malfoy. I still did long after whatever-the-fuck-we'd-had ended, right until my brother declared that it was  _him_  who loved Malfoy, always had, always will, and Malfoy loved him. I thought she was sleeping with another Slytherin, the Nott kid. The way they flirted playfully, the way he touched her, the way she would turn and look at him, half-annoyed, half-laughing.

"Why should you  _care_  who I date,  _Potter_?"

I saw potential threats everywhere; the boy behind the counter in Honeydukes where I went with my girlfriend, her with another friend, who'd smiled brightly at her, and got my glare straight after; that Ravenclaw that'd helped her with her potions, he'd stuttered and blushed around her, and she'd found that too cute for words. I'd put him in the Hospital Wing for a week. She'd tried to be angry with me, really she had, but the things sprouting from him were just  _too funny_  for a Slytherin to resist.

"Merlin, James, I never knew you were that imaginative!"

She'd laughed, and I'd smiled at the sound, then I'd realised and the smile fell. She wasn't my destiny. A kind, loyal redhead was, one who'd love me forever, and produce a healthy collection of dark-haired children with hazel eyes. Most definitely not a cruel, rude Slytherin who went out of her way to piss me off and would almost certainly never want to openly date, let alone marry me and bear my kids. No. It was a brief clash of attraction, passionate, but without a future. She knew that, I knew that, but I was in danger of falling in love with her, I could tell. It needed to end.

"Never again, Ailene, this will never happen again. Ever."

I hated myself for that, and she hated me. She got me back though. Got me good. Right where it hurts. She pouted and giggled and fluttered at Teddy, my best mate. And he fell hard for her, like anyone would, really. Then she dumped him publicly, humiliating him. Slytherin to the bone, that one – she couldn't hurt me so she hurt someone close. Her eyes read, 'You could have stopped this', from across the street.  
  


**2a)**

My godbrother runs in, hair a dishevelled mahogany. Victorie hurries in behind him, looking as exquisitely lovely as ever, even with her shimmering mane a mess, and her face without make-up.

He says my name and I ignore him.

The mediwitch comes out, smiling, and tells us that the patient's awake. I'm on my feet, rushing for the door when I stop abruptly as I see everyone else doing the same.

"No." Everyone stares at me, "You can't see her. Not you or you or you." I point at Victorie, my parents. "Oh, and you." Then Teddy.

"James..." My mother reaches for me.

"What the  _hell_ , James?"

"She doesn't like any of you.  _Hates_  one of you." I look at Victorie. She averts her eyes.

**  
2b)**

I found her crying, once. I'd never seen her cry before, and it was disconcerting, not to mention that it made my heart wrench painfully. It made me sprint to her side, collapse next to her and gather her into my arms. She didn't resist, to my astonishment, muscles clenching automatically as I awaited the punch, slap or knee to the groin that I'd been expecting. Then I smelled the alcohol, and I realised why.

"Oh, Ailene," I murmured, sliding my hand into her hair and holding her to me tightly. Her hair was lank, and she smelled of sweat and booze and grass. Her fingers moved slowly up my chest, as if waiting for me to push her away, then fisted tightly in my shirt, and began to cry again, the sobs racking her body. "What happened?"

What could have  _possibly_  happened to turn  _her_ , of all people, into a quivering mess?

"Teddy." Her voice was remarkably calm and steady, but the ragged breath she gasped in a moment later eradicated any thoughts of her getting better. "He's got her now."

"I thought you didn't like him... I though you just did to get back at me?"

"I did, and I didn't like him, then I saw  _him_  with  _her_  and, I don't know, Jamie!" She jumped up, spinning away, laughing, "Why do I care, for him, for you, for  _people like you and him_?" She stopped, a hind fisted in her hair, staring at me, "Why, Jamie?" Her voice was so soft and plaintive.

It had me flying to her, and trying to gather her up again, protect her from whatever demons were evidently tormenting her. But she pushed me away and ran towards the castle. I didn't go after her.  
  


**3a)**

"How the hell would  _you_  know who she likes!" Teddy storms, eyes and cheeks turned a mottled red colour.

"Because he loves her, you idiot." Everyone stares at Malfoy. "Come on, Al." He leads his boyfriend into the room, pausing on the doorway and saying, "You coming, James?"

I don't look at my family's reactions, just lurch forward.

She looks so pale and vulnerable, with her flashing eyes closed, her hair lying dead on the pillow. It's not how she should be, it's not  _natural_  for her to be like this.  _Not her_.

"James," Albus puts a hand on my arm as Scorpius moves to her side, slipping his fingers through hers gently and pushing a lock of hair off her forehead. Her eyes slip open and Albus leaves me, so he can go and clutch her other hand tightly between both of his.

"Ailene, don't  _ever_  do that to us again, do you hear me?" Scorpius mutters, bending over her.

She blinks at him, "If you knew me at all, then you wouldn't say that. You know I'll do it again. And again. And again. Until it works."

Albus gasps in horror.

"No. You won't." I say, stepping forward. Her eyes lock on my figure and they widen.

"You can't stop me."

"I can, and I will. You're not leaving, not again."

"As I recall, it was  _you_  who left  _me_." She hisses, sitting up slowly.

My head drops. Then I know she wants to reach for me, but her pride stops her from doing so.

"Wait, what? Did you two.... _before_!" Albus gasps.

Scorpius rolls his eyes. "You are far too oblivious to be safe, Al."

Eyes flash with a sudden spurt of laughter, and they connect with mine. A spark, and suddenly I find that I can't bear to be this far away from her anymore, so I'm at her side the next minute, clutching at her hand with both of mine, and the tears which had been so absent before  _just won't stop_. Her fingers slide through my hair, and she bends over my head, "Oh, Jamie," She whispers, her own voice abruptly thick with emotion.

I hear the door click, look up to see Scorpius pulling Albus out. I discover I have a new-found respect for the Malfoy kid.

At her request, I pick her up (with some difficulty, which makes her hit me) and deposit her more the right, so I can sit on the bed next to her. After a bit, my arm settles down around her, and she – with much coaxing – lays her head on my shoulder. Then Teddy bursts in. It looks like he'd just been arguing with Scorpius, who I can see past my god-brother, looking frustrated.

Teddy just stares, as if he physically can't comprehend me and  _her_ , of all people, being in...well in whatever we are. Victorie's next, and she latches onto Teddy's arm as if she's afraid he might have a jealous fit. I would be, if I were her, given the way he's looking at Ailene.

But she's mine now. 'Sucks to be you!' my expression clearly reads as I tighten my grip around her, and slip my free hand though hers easily, as if we'd been doing it all out lives.

Mum looks horrified because she's hated always hated Ailene ever since I was suspended in my first year because of her. Dad still looks faintly dazed, as if he hasn't quite taken it all in yet. I feel Ailene shake beside me, and I don't have to look at her to know that she's trying her very hardest not to burst out laughing.  
  


**3b)**

"That was...Scorpius," Dad said, looking vaguely stunned that the Malfoy kid had the audacity to owl our house. "He says that one of Albus' best friends from school has had an accident," My heart felt suddenly very tight, and I went pale. My girlfriend, sitting next to me at the dinner table, put her hand on mine, asking me if I was ok. I nodded my head briefly.

"Which one?" Mum asked. I was glad she had spoken up; I couldn't trust my own voice.

"The girl you didn't like, the muggleborn, Eileen something?"

"Ailene Merryweather." I said, louder than was necessary, because everyone stares at me.

"She was your arch-nemesis or something, wasn't she?" The redhead, Camilla, asked, laughing prettily.

"We're going to the hospital." I said, standing. Again, everyone stared.

"Er, what, James dear? I thought you didn't like this girl." Mum queries, adding in an undertone, " _I_  certainly don't."

"I don't, didn't, but...." I scrambled for a believable excuse. "But Teddy will want to go, and Albus needs our family's support right now."

At the word 'family', Mum seemed to draw herself up, and, looking more like Grandmum than ever, ordered me to owl Teddy, Dad to help Camilla apparate to St Mungo's, and me and her would follow shortly.

My chest still felt like there was some weight crushing it, which only worsened as we waited for her to wake up. I just wanted to see her, to know that she was alright. Albus had already soaked his cheeks, sleeves, and the Malfoy's shirt with tears, which was something James had expected. But Malfoy's cheeks were wet too. He dried them roughly when he saw James, but James had seen.

He nodded to his brother, who teared up again, and at Malfoy. Then there was nothing to do but wait.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this is old, like, four years ago old. And even though my writing style has changed since and, yes, some parts of this makes me cringe, I won't be rewriting it. I still like it, and still think it's good, despite the whole four years old thing. Hope you guys enjoy reading it as much as I did writing it!
> 
> This was published on ff.net and livejournal quite a while ago, but I've just got around to moving all of my work onto here. For more of my writing before it's posted on here/updates on other fics, check out my [tumblr](http://thegraceinyoureyes.tumblr.com/).

**Author's Note:**

> So this is old, like, four years ago old. And even though my writing style has changed since and, yes, some parts of this makes me cringe, I won't be rewriting it. I still like it, and still think it's good, despite the whole four years old thing. Hope you guys enjoy reading it as much as I did writing it!
> 
> This is also my favourite chapter/part of the whole series idk.
> 
> This was published on ff.net and livejournal quite a while ago, but I've just got around to moving all of my work onto here. For more of my writing before it's posted on here/updates on other fics, check out my [tumblr](http://thegraceinyoureyes.tumblr.com/).


End file.
